endless scrolls

while everyone is busy with their assignments and meeting it's due dates. i'm just slacking here. i know i should be doing work instead. just wanna blog something, but dunno where to start.

well... it's just a crazy and hectic couple of weeks, never been so busy before in my life. althou i feel that i didnt contribute much to the group assignments. i'm sorry to all my group members if you think that i didnt do much, or social loaf. i admit i did loaf a lil... maybe quite a bit... alot? anyway, i try to contribute, but i don't know what to do la.. really blurr. especially tabulating the data in spss. all i can do is those 'keci miao stuff', feel so bad... =(

apart from that, i've starting working again, there's been jobs on and off, althou not much, but i think it could survive for the months to come, and afford the tioman trip as well.

i still don't know why i took 6 subjects at the beginning of semester. one of the reason, i wanna finish my degree as soon as possible. and another reason is, i just wanna prove to someone that i could do it. probably i was just angry at myself for not getting what i want, after putting so much effort in it. more of disappointment, i guess.

friends have been good to me. if is not for them, i think i've been long gone... k la, not tat serious. but i probably would have a breakdown. come to think of it, i actually did. i'm weak... but after the incident, it's even worst. wat's d word for worst than 'weak'? tell me bout it...

self confidence, gone...
self esteem, gone... kaput
trust, gone too
stop believing, hell yea..

basically, i never felt this low before in my life. it was really a long turn. imagine all the things u do, just turns out wrong. is like d fairy tale, Midas touch. only that whateva i touch, turns into dust.

in the last 6 months, i think i've changed. more of the negative things afloat to the surface. dah la biasa sudah negative... haihz..

i don't know what is d 'big guy' up to, giving me this kinda 'wonderful' obstacle. i thought i've overcome it 3 months ago. but it came back to hunt me for good. the period when i'm most vulnerable. i've not shed a tear since d first day of 2008. but last week, it really hit me like a train. i broke down again. yes again. i never expect those kinda shit will happen again, not after so long. i just didn't see it coming, and i was seriously run down by it. damn it.

it's ironic, that while i'm writing this, it's was bout the same time when we first met. only that, it was last year. how time flew pass us. how things have change since then. how much have we grown as a person. and how things is gonna be different from now. =)

sometimes i tell myself, how glad i've met you. if it's not for u, i wouldn't have experience this kinda trauma? maybe the word is bit harsh, but right now, that's d only word i could think of. i always feel empathy for my friends who went thru hardship, and suffer from it. in a way, i've expected it will happen sooner or later, but i just didnt know that it will hit me so hard. welcome to the club. i'm officially the member. hooray. p/s: joie, i understand how you feel and went thru that period of time. maybe not 100%, but at least, there's 90. period.

again, if u ever be reading this, (it doesn't matter if u don't) u don't have to do what u just did. i still don't know what's the actual reasons behind it that u claim u have. althou, occasionally the thought will just creep up, but i just too tired to hunt for the answer. as it don't serve any purpose anymore. u would have told me, if u wanted to, long time ago.

yet, i don't hate u. i never did. up till now, i still don't. i was just angry at myself for not doing enough. i was angry at myself for not trying harder. i'm a man with ego, that i hate to lose. i was angry at myself for letting you go so easily. and i was angry that you gave up just like that, and without giving an actual reason.

anyway, like i just said... it doesn't matter anymore. althou it doesn't serve any purpose, i appreciated the action that you've took. TQ

=)