cursing my way thru part 1

i had fun this couple of days...



outings with friends, meeting friends whom i have not met for ages, seeing frenz that i see almost every other day. nice nice nice... this is the first time i received so many gifts during christmas, d gifts i receive this yr probably beats d 20 yrs of christmas i've gone thru..



thx to all my frenz who ask me out, n also muka tebal gate crash ur gatherings... i had fun. loads of it.



but something back of my mind, and heart still pounder on something, and wishing for something that there's nothing to wish for. impossible.


ropes have been laid, hands have been stretched out, roads have been shown.


n i guess... i still have not the guts to take the first bold step. i still have not the heart to move on. everytime i reach out my hand to grab the rope, the hand, anything. i just tend to be suck back into the deep hole. i hate it.

everytime i try to take the first step, you just had to refrain me from doing so. distract me from doing so. so i could slip and fall. why do u have to tempt me, saying that i could be there celebrating. n the nice feeling of the environment. why do you have to prompt the question of do i wanna go back. why do u have to pretend that u care, padahal, u don't give a damn. Damn it!!


you dont' know how much pain you have cost me. you don't know how many miserable nights i've gone thru. you don't know how hard it is to try to get out of that hole. you don't know how much tears have flown out.


i blame myself for not being strong enough to handle this. sometimes i blame you for giving this kinda shit. but most of the time, i'm just too weak to handle my own fucking problems. i need to pull everyone around me, to listen to my sorrows, listen to my whinnings, and see me cry.


now i understand how u feel, my friend. the feeling... is just unbearable. as much as i try to control it. the feeling is overwhelming. the attachment is still there. how can i let someone in, when there are still so many attachment of thoughts, memories, and pain sticking like a leech. when can these 'leeches' be fed till they drop off themselves. how much u blood suckers wanna take the bejesus out of me before u fall. damn it!


i hate it when i'm vulnerable.