endless scrolls

warning: this could be a very long post, or maybe not. n it could be very random.

i don't like what i'm feeling right now. in fact, i hate it. somehow, deep inside, i wanted so much more. yes, i'm a greedy person. who doesn't. who doesn't want the best for themselves? who doesn't want everything they could ever have?? i feel good, and at the same time, i don't. what's wrong with me? seriously, i don't know what my mind is going thru. and i doubt you will ever be able to.

i don't know what i want. and yet, i have everything i ever wanted. maybe there's more i could ask for. that's a whole different issue. i just dont' like what i'm feeling right now. there's a certain anger, sad to say it's not fire of enthusiasm, but, fire of hatred. and i so badly want to put it out. i don't intend to hurt anyone. ( i don't have the guts to do it, anyways) i just feel like vend my anger on someone, or something. i think i'll go for the latter, at least, the one who will be hurt is me.

i don't want to be sick again. i never want to fall sick again. i hate falling sick. i had the chance to be immortal, and i blew my chances. and now, i'm forever stuck in this cycle of birth and rebirth. i'm sick and tired of running. i'm sick and tired of trying. and i'm sick and tired of being. why can't i just be...

life is a journey. in fact, a long one. in fact, even we are dead, we are still walking on a trail that it has paved, or just some rocks and tree trunks we need to move in order to continue walking. it's true, if you really think bout it. if you can't figure it out, time will tell.

society puts a tag on each and everyone of us. what roles you should play, what image you should potray, and what are our reactions normally be? accept. soak in every bits of information that is being send out by the society. just like a sponge. what if we do exactly the opposite? people will think you are weird, people will think you are NOT in the 'normal' league. so to speak. then, there will be expectation we need to live up to. expectation that could bore some of us, and if we are no stronger, it'll just wipe you off from this surface of earth. that you never really existed.

honestly, i don't have self-esteem. i don't have confidence in me. i wish i could that wee bit of it, and yet, i just couldn't squeeze that wee bit out from it. i'm just potraying what you think i have. actual fact is, i have none. i'm just an empty, hollow nut shell. and the layer is so thin and fragile, it could be break so darn ****ing easy. on the other hand, i know very well that if i don't fall, i will never be able to experience pain. i will never be able to learn. god, sometimes life is just so complicated. and i hate complicated stuff. simplicity and easy is my motto of life. whether you like it or not. is none of your god d*** business.

just a sudden thought, while thinking how to continue.

why do we need to struggle in life?? basically, is to learn bit more life itself, to understand who we are, to discover a lil bit more bout ourself. BUT, why do we need to struggle in love? to learn how to love more? to understand what love is? doesn't really make sense, right? do we struggle to hate? no right?! if we don't like that person, we would just say, 'please get the ***k out of my face'. (notice the use of word; please. i'm being polite k) see, there's no need to struggle. people will just get the ***k out of face. as if getting ***ked the second time is enjoyable. unless, it's the real stuff we are experiencing. (that we discuss some other day) whereas love, we waste so much time and energy on it. the purpose of it? to be get back the same attention and love that we hope that person could shower upon us, just like what you did. hoping it will give you something back in return.

don't have to be this way... seriously. so, what kind of attitude should we carry towards the word 'love',what is the best method? if you ever asked, or pondered. well, i'm still trying to figure out. =) let you know when i got the answer.





got it!!

there's no best way. just the way you feel comfortable handling your issue in hand. if you think is right, then go for it. but sometimes, just don't follow your heart but use your blardy head to think rationally. thou is hard. emotional attachement, is always hard to detach. just like you have attach yourself to your PS console. if you think is worth it, by all means go ahead. but if it ever makes you uncomfortable... =)


i'm done bla-ing my stuff. TQ for reading till end of this part. hope you 'enjoy' it. muhahaha

~~simplicity and easy~~