numbness

'i don't deserve anything' - read it from a fren's blog.

'I'm feeling numb' - was the response i gave my fren.

seriously... as of lately, i don't feel anything. i dont' know how to feel... i don't know what to feel. am i happy? guess so. am i sad? neither too. i think is more like a moderate feeling. where i don't feel particularly happy nor sad.

got my results a couple of days ago, and i passed everything. (ADP subject pending, but i shud pass that paper) unbelievable. i don't feel particularly happy for it. was a lil worried for one of the paper, where the lecturer didn't give me any marks for my assignment. was i faking it? i seriously i don't know. forgive me, if i look unreal. i guess i was glad that i prove the lecturer wrong. after all, i don't have to change course. (yea... he asked me to consider changing course)

anyway, it doesn't matter.

wat matter is... (i think) why the hell am i not feeling anything????

i used to dream of getting the luxurious things, the fancy cars that i could drive. always the big things, the glamorous stuff. now, nth seems to matter anymore. besides, the handphone, nokia 6500, that i'm making a fuss out of it. anyway, is more like i NEED it, than i WANT it. now is like, ada...ok. takda... pun ok kinda attitude.

it's been a few years since i last played a competition. joined a badminton competition yesterday. the feeling was... kinda nervous. miraculously somehow, amazingly, don't know how, i got champ. honestly, after winning the final, just normal lo. probably because someone, *coughEDcough* say will come, but didn't.

yea... as i was saying, numbness.

....

reminiscing what i've done in the past,

things have been relatively kind to me.

i try looking forward in the future,

but the future seems bleak at the moment.

i try to light it up with a torch,

but countless times of igniting,

it doesn't seems to blaze.

feeling numb isn't great after all...

i want to be able to feel the warm of sun shinning down me,

i want to be able to feel the cold breeze passes through me.

i want to able to touch peoples' lives,

nevermind,

if they ever did to mine.

i don't know whether i can open up again,

as i'm still trying very hard to.

doubt i'll be able to do that,

unless... unless i put my pride, my armour, my self down.

i left the door unlock, only to be lock on the other side.

i left my armour in the lock, only to be put on again.