hapy 2008

sitting alone in the room, counting down the hours that's gonna lead to a new year. i just wanna spend the last few hours alone with myself. (although i'm gonna head out later tonite) =)

looking back throughout the year, many things have happened. good things, bad things, happy and sad events. although at times i wish i could change things, so i would have a better ending that i was hoping for. nonetheless, i accept the fact that things happened for a reason. and is beneficial for my own well being.

i wanna thank my parents, for i am grateful to them for bringing me into this world. esp my mom, for hearing me out, and always been so supportive in whateva i do. my bros, we have a pretty good year, our relationships seems a lil closer.

and to my friends, thanks for being there for me, when i needed you guys the most. special thanks to Joie, Jolene, Michael, Aili, Betsy, Wei Sim, Stephanie, Ivy and Aaron. without you guys, my life will be monotonous. (although it always have been, but you guys rock and spice up my live) not to miss out on Sharon, Mandy, Boon Woei, Derrick, Jennifer, Angelica, Ee Jack, Tina, and the list just goes on and on. i'm sorry if i didn't mentioned your names. (realise how lil guy names on the list? this is because, Bpysh and freelance have so lil guys available. and i aint complaining. haha) although we seldom see each other, but we sure have a good laugh and have heeps of fun when we get together. and i enjoy every moment of it. also thanks to Joanne, if is not for you, i wouldn't know that a person wants is so important. and things could change so drastically, nothing is certain in life, not even for a moment.

and by that, i appreciate life more and more, don't know whether is because of i'm ageing or what. but yea.. i'm enjoying every moment of it.

so what's my new year resolution?

hmm...

seriously?

i don't know man...

• just wanna enjoy my uni life as much as possible and finish it as soon as possible.
• be happy
• appreciate things that i have, and be grateful for the things i'm gonna get.
• take things as it goes, and see where it leads me.

actually that's more to write, but i forgotten most of it after i thought bout my resolutions. lolz..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! *open with wide arms* *hugz*

i love you all!!

99th post

can i walk out of this darkness? dunno...

do i want to walk out this darkness? certainly so...

but how to? i seriously got it figured all out. but dont know what is holding me back. fear of lost? fear of getting hurt? again... i don't know y... but sometimes i just can't let go. even i have said i wanted to. n i can't stop blaming myself. even i know is not my fault. (not totally, but paritally) but the things that you hide from me, it just reveal itself to me, even i did not want to find out. why did you lie and hide things from me, when i ask you. it makes matters worst. padahal, all along i've been truthful and honest with you. btw, you sucks at lying. i didn't want to hide things from you at the first place. cuz it probably jeapardize the whole thing.

guess it didn't work out.

time pass by, and things change. change rather drastically. i still can't accept the fact that you could change so rather quickly. but what can i do?? NOTHING!! you give me no chance of redeeming myself. no room for making errors. this isn't how a relationship works. you said it yourself, 'we will work things out' - bullshit.

is this karma? is this the cycle i need to go thru? all these, just bcuz i made ppl suffered b4. i've regret it then, i've regret that i've made bad decisions that probably put them in misery rather than giving happiness. if so, i really thank you. not you. but You.

i've always wonder to myself, why am i so attach to you. but i think i've found my answer. i'm grateful that we crossed path, if not, i wouldn't have experience such wonderful experiences.

last time i don't know how to love and care for a person. seriously. (probably a slow learner) i take, i'm sorry... i took u, and i've tried a whole new approached. but guess that wasn't never enough. and now, i don't know how to treat people with care, i don't know how to love a person anymore. best of all, i've lost trust in loving a person. for now.

there's so much to write, talk, blame, analyse.... and yet, i've don't have the strength to dwell on the 'drama' again. at least, i don't want to. is just tiring.

2008 is in 2 days time. guess is a perfect time to write my new year resolution.

walk out of the cage, the whole sky will be yours. (joie,2007)

tat's not my resolution. well, part of it. i'm saving it for my 100th post. =)

slept at 6, woke up at 2.30pm

moody

sienzz

TMD!!

aahhh!!!!

i'm goin out...

signing off

cursing my way thru part 1

i had fun this couple of days...



outings with friends, meeting friends whom i have not met for ages, seeing frenz that i see almost every other day. nice nice nice... this is the first time i received so many gifts during christmas, d gifts i receive this yr probably beats d 20 yrs of christmas i've gone thru..



thx to all my frenz who ask me out, n also muka tebal gate crash ur gatherings... i had fun. loads of it.



but something back of my mind, and heart still pounder on something, and wishing for something that there's nothing to wish for. impossible.


ropes have been laid, hands have been stretched out, roads have been shown.


n i guess... i still have not the guts to take the first bold step. i still have not the heart to move on. everytime i reach out my hand to grab the rope, the hand, anything. i just tend to be suck back into the deep hole. i hate it.

everytime i try to take the first step, you just had to refrain me from doing so. distract me from doing so. so i could slip and fall. why do u have to tempt me, saying that i could be there celebrating. n the nice feeling of the environment. why do you have to prompt the question of do i wanna go back. why do u have to pretend that u care, padahal, u don't give a damn. Damn it!!


you dont' know how much pain you have cost me. you don't know how many miserable nights i've gone thru. you don't know how hard it is to try to get out of that hole. you don't know how much tears have flown out.


i blame myself for not being strong enough to handle this. sometimes i blame you for giving this kinda shit. but most of the time, i'm just too weak to handle my own fucking problems. i need to pull everyone around me, to listen to my sorrows, listen to my whinnings, and see me cry.


now i understand how u feel, my friend. the feeling... is just unbearable. as much as i try to control it. the feeling is overwhelming. the attachment is still there. how can i let someone in, when there are still so many attachment of thoughts, memories, and pain sticking like a leech. when can these 'leeches' be fed till they drop off themselves. how much u blood suckers wanna take the bejesus out of me before u fall. damn it!


i hate it when i'm vulnerable.

merry xmas

just a quick one...

MerrY ChrisTmaS

EverYonE!!!

SantA Loves U!!

So Do I!!

see... told ya it was quick... hehe