and in a few more months, i'll be graduating. what would my feelings be? well, i don't know. is there a sense of achievement? probably? it is something i attempt to complete, not whole-heartedly, but at least i tried. things haven't been smooth sailing. hopefully things will get better soon. i still don't know why i insist of taking up this course. is it because of ego? or is it just to prove i could do something in a long run? is it not to left behind? or i just want to blend in with the norm? i don't know how to answer those questions, neither do i have the answers. nevertheless, i'm glad that i enrolled into this course. there are tremendous learning that have learnt and yet to be learn. there are companions that i would never trade for any other thing in the world. i don't know why is there tears scrolling down, but... i guess it's just emotional, to me at least. somehow, there is a sense of closeness that i have never felt before throughout my life. and i grateful to have crossed path with this kind and amazing souls. they may seems normal on the outside, but deep down, they just blow your mind. at least it did to mine. i'm leaving soon. i don't know how close we're gonna stay. hopefully close enough that we could still come out and have a drink once or twice a month. some say it's just a phase in our short life here on earth, i do agree with them. hopefully this phase could last a lil longer.
i realize i questioned myself a lot lately. raising doubts i could accomplish such and such tasks. you see, i'm not a confident person. my self-esteem is in an all time low. i don't know what would happen when i come out to the working world. hopefully i could survive and start picking my pieces of confidence quickly enough. i just admire those could walk gracefully and walk with full of confidence along the street. leading some group or just do task with such confidence. i don't know are they pretending, or they really have. both ways, i respect their ability. some friends say i have that in me. problem is, i just don't see it myself. even with mirrors around me. i just don't see it. believe me, it is very frustrating.
earlier on, i mentioned i question myself, i asked a lot of questions. and these questions just don't seems to have an answer to it. and i hate it. i think i'm a problem solver. i like to find a solution to it. i wouldn't lose sleep because of it. but i get angry at myself for not finding the answer. i didn't know i could be that harsh on myself. until few moments ago. that brings me to setting standards for myself. i set pretty high standards for myself. sometimes, it's just unbelievable. the downside is that i give up easily, way too easily. clearly that had lead to disappointments after disappointments. and ultimately = no confidence.
i think i've wrote about confident, self-esteem, self worthy, etc. many a times in this blog. and it is self -actualization. somehow, it doesn't seems to be heading anyway. sometimes i question God. 'is He testing me?' i accept. 'how long more should i go through this?' this is sometime i can barely give in. when there is glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel? i quickly and bravely walk towards there. what i found? it's just a bunch of fire-flies lingering around. i guess i could link fire-flies with HOPE. it s**k but to accept hope is all there is to keep us alive. how can we break this cycle? i'm still searching for the answer.
omg, i can't believe you're still reading.
i was suppose to talk bout... heck, i don't know what was i talking, not even after scrolling up and refer to the topic.
i guess for the first time, it met the title of this blog. endless words/scroll.
happy birthday to me
3 comments:
boss, i finish reading.. ada hadiah arr?? haha
i also want hadiah.
i pun nak.
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