pouring out

i've come to realize something. i've been seeking acceptance. acceptance as a son, as a friend, as a colleague.... every lil thing that i've involve in people around me. or at least i tried to be involve.

unconsciously, it's what i have been doing all these years. without realizing, it seems like a chore. it's not bothersome, it's not tiresome. it just seems like a part of me.

funny as it may sound. why do we seek acceptance, especially acceptance from others. why can't we just please ourselves. why go through shit for your friends, associates, family etc.? one of the reason? we are afraid of being lonely. nobody likes to be lonely. nobody. bullshit, if anyone could live life without anybody. in some rare case, yes maybe. but i'm talking from a normal, functional society. yes, there are saints and monks and nuns who live in caves and forest, who has no social contact whatsoever with their outside world. like i said, in some rare cases.

why do i keep on stressing, that nobody likes to be lonely? (i don't know, i just feel like saying). okay.. back to acceptance. the opposite word of acceptance; rejection. the fear of rejection from anyone we care and hope to gain acceptance will clearly damage our significance as well as ego. both plays a part. imagine; you're walking on a street, where you know every single person. and no one lifted a hand to say hi, or smile at you. how would you feel? imagine as well; if everyone acknowledge you, how well would your ego be boost? both has devastating affect, and it could go either a positive or negative way.

besides feeling significant, comes along joy and peace of mind. people treat you differently. there is a sense of pride knowing very well that people that you care will be there for you when you need them. ironically, we human has been design in such a way that we could overcome anything. and we need not to have assistance from anyone. so, why do we need approval of certain party to proclaim our very own existence?

things could have been better, if i've done this, said that. sadly, things sometimes doesn't turn out the way we wanted (cliche as it may sound, but it's true). i act on impulse. i go with the feel. i don't give a damn, if i want it to go my way. and in the course of those actions, things usually turn out quite badly. sigh.

looking back, i don't have a friend who can consider my childhood friend. i really admire those who has, knowing them for years and years. wow! that just blow my mind. how can they grow up in the same or different environment and still could be very good friends. i don't feel sad, nor feeling pity in the sense. because i know there is something else that is driving me and my friends apart. and it's one of the rules and regulations of friendship.

these are the foundations of frienship. one thing i've learned is never end the friendship abruptly. it's like hitting the emergency breaks, and kicking your friend out of the car. the consequences? let's just say it's not good.

and how does it link to acceptance? well, when we reach a certain level of friendship, and understanding of the fundamental of it. acceptance may be the least thing you should worry about.