pressure

due to immense pressure...

i have decided to end my relationship... it was sorta a mutual thingy.

it's for the best of both of us.

obviously, the gals and 'gals' can't take their hands away from him.

i couldn't take it...

as it really affects me.

i wish u all the best..

once again... back to normal life

the one

the first time i saw u,

i barely know u.

as time goes by,

we get to know each other better.

i understand u more with each passing day.

i like the way u look at me,

the sparkle in ur eyes,

never fails to mesmerise me.

the jokes that u tell,

never fails to humour me.

after going thru many hardship,

after goin thru many break ups.

i want to give up.

i really want to give up.

i never thought that i would go through so much pain

so much misery.

it hurt so badly,

that i think all the love in the world is...

is... crap.

i have lost faith of the name of LOVE.


not until...

not until u came along and swept me off my feet.

i never felt this way b4,

seriously...

the feelings in me, is ever so surreal.

i need to hit myself twice,

i need to ask myself twice.

people may say or think what they wish to,

but my heart will always be…

will always be…

disclaimer: i'm still very much straight..

while everyone is busy with their assignments and meeting it's due dates. i'm just slacking here. i know i should be doing work instead. just wanna blog something, but dunno where to start.

well... it's just a crazy and hectic couple of weeks, never been so busy before in my life. althou i feel that i didnt contribute much to the group assignments. i'm sorry to all my group members if you think that i didnt do much, or social loaf. i admit i did loaf a lil... maybe quite a bit... alot? anyway, i try to contribute, but i don't know what to do la.. really blurr. especially tabulating the data in spss. all i can do is those 'keci miao stuff', feel so bad... =(

apart from that, i've starting working again, there's been jobs on and off, althou not much, but i think it could survive for the months to come, and afford the tioman trip as well.

i still don't know why i took 6 subjects at the beginning of semester. one of the reason, i wanna finish my degree as soon as possible. and another reason is, i just wanna prove to someone that i could do it. probably i was just angry at myself for not getting what i want, after putting so much effort in it. more of disappointment, i guess.

friends have been good to me. if is not for them, i think i've been long gone... k la, not tat serious. but i probably would have a breakdown. come to think of it, i actually did. i'm weak... but after the incident, it's even worst. wat's d word for worst than 'weak'? tell me bout it...

self confidence, gone...
self esteem, gone... kaput
trust, gone too
stop believing, hell yea..

basically, i never felt this low before in my life. it was really a long turn. imagine all the things u do, just turns out wrong. is like d fairy tale, Midas touch. only that whateva i touch, turns into dust.

in the last 6 months, i think i've changed. more of the negative things afloat to the surface. dah la biasa sudah negative... haihz..

i don't know what is d 'big guy' up to, giving me this kinda 'wonderful' obstacle. i thought i've overcome it 3 months ago. but it came back to hunt me for good. the period when i'm most vulnerable. i've not shed a tear since d first day of 2008. but last week, it really hit me like a train. i broke down again. yes again. i never expect those kinda shit will happen again, not after so long. i just didn't see it coming, and i was seriously run down by it. damn it.

it's ironic, that while i'm writing this, it's was bout the same time when we first met. only that, it was last year. how time flew pass us. how things have change since then. how much have we grown as a person. and how things is gonna be different from now. =)

sometimes i tell myself, how glad i've met you. if it's not for u, i wouldn't have experience this kinda trauma? maybe the word is bit harsh, but right now, that's d only word i could think of. i always feel empathy for my friends who went thru hardship, and suffer from it. in a way, i've expected it will happen sooner or later, but i just didnt know that it will hit me so hard. welcome to the club. i'm officially the member. hooray. p/s: joie, i understand how you feel and went thru that period of time. maybe not 100%, but at least, there's 90. period.

again, if u ever be reading this, (it doesn't matter if u don't) u don't have to do what u just did. i still don't know what's the actual reasons behind it that u claim u have. althou, occasionally the thought will just creep up, but i just too tired to hunt for the answer. as it don't serve any purpose anymore. u would have told me, if u wanted to, long time ago.

yet, i don't hate u. i never did. up till now, i still don't. i was just angry at myself for not doing enough. i was angry at myself for not trying harder. i'm a man with ego, that i hate to lose. i was angry at myself for letting you go so easily. and i was angry that you gave up just like that, and without giving an actual reason.

anyway, like i just said... it doesn't matter anymore. althou it doesn't serve any purpose, i appreciated the action that you've took. TQ

=)

do nothing day

today is do nothing day... i'v been bz for the past couple weeks, i don't really have time for myself. a fren once asked, ' since u so bz studying and working at the same time, do u really have time for yourself?' *think think think* all i i could manage to utter is a no.

i've been on the go for almost 9 months... and it's either i'm working or facing the lappie doing assignments, if not, will be in college doing discussion. if not, it will be some other stuff i need to do. it's just tiring...

so today... i'm just gonna stay home... and do nothing. literally nothing. theoretically nothing. i hope.

i'll just slack, stone, become vegetable for 1 day. wateva... don't ask me to do anything!!

p/s: mike, if ya reading tis... A. C is still on tonite.

today was a mundane day. got a class on a saturday morning. 1 word: SIENZ... but somehow i semangat gile went to college. but i was late bout half an hour. another reason for goin to class; wanna take back my lappie from ivy. =)

class was ok.. as usual. 1 word: BORED... but after 45 mins, i went to did an experiment. it was a fun experiment. i got extra .25% on top of the .5% for a 45 mins experiment (only psych students will know what i'm talking bout) later on, when to attend tutorial, the only reason i attended. 2 words: KIN YOU... lol.. as usual, he crap his way thru with some valid points. nonetheless, he brought the whole class to laugh, even the tutor also laugh together. it was funny... really funny. but at 1 point, it got a lil out of line, the tutor also no eye see.

btw, after the first 2 presentation, me n sharon played spider solitaire. (she played most of the time)

after tutorial, send the gals (aili, ivy, mandy) to bangsar... for shopping. but mandy was saying she's hungry, so we end up makan.ing b4 i head back home. the food... 1 word: LOUSY. n it wasn't really worth the price. the fish n chips i had, 1 word: DISAPPOINTED. d fish... sad... looks so flat n meatless. the chips.. pathetically( dunno got such word) little. i think my dog can finish d whole thing in 1 bite. BUT... the company was great. everyone was sharing their worst injuries, no offence, but i find it amusing and entertaining.of the 4 of us, you would think i got the most injuries rite. WRONG!! it was mandy. n i don't think you would ever thought she get herself injured rite. only her face... don't know how many incidents ledi. (mandy, no offence ya, wasn't teasing u)

went back home to sleep...

*beep beep* (hey bro, what time u goin to lian hui's hse..... ) shit! i totally forgotten that i had a dinner to attend. it was a pre-wedding dinner. n yes, my primary classmate is getting marry tmr. n yes.. she's quite leng lui. n no.. i'm not gonna get marry any time soon.

on top of that, we had a so call 'gathering' as well. it was nice meeting up with everyone, not everyone, but the ones that i was quite close together during primary school. some change quite drastically, n some still the same ole boring (me). but it was fun meeting with them again, especially those whom i have not met N years. surprisingly, everyone still remembers that me and a gal were a 'couple' back in those days. 12 years exactly. puppy love la... nth also. n yea.. it was really long time ago. n yea... i am old?? hmm...

in a nutshell.. it was a nice way to end my week, especially the hectic and overloaded work and assignments that i've been rushing for the past few weeks. although there're still reports and presentations need to be done.. but yea...


hope things will be smooth sailing from now on...