empty

monday was the last nite i probably get to see everyone. though there would be opportunities that we could meet up. however, you know. work sometimes can take it's toll.

as i could observed that nite, everyone was so excited taking pictures, flaunting their dresses and tuxedos. some look stunning, and some look gracious. as everyone attempts to record and save a piece of history into their memory bank. somehow, i don't feel anything. why?

4 years in college. i couldn't say it's a waste of time. as i mentioned before in previous post. i learn awful lot, and have a great bunch of friends.

maybe i'm just not good at saying good bye. on the other hand, is there a need to say it. is not like i'm vanishing or people are leaving. they will always linger around. it's just a matter of whether we want to keep in touch. a bunch of excuses, kevin saw.

so... saying good bye.... just can't do it

4 years

...in college.

time flies rather quickly. in the blink of an eye, i'm done with college life.

what's next?

most likely work. though i would like to enjoy a few more months. i could enjoy after 5 years. or maybe lesser. ( i can hear chants 'whoa.. you're gonna be a millionaire isit?', 'retire by 30?') LOL... who knows?

after all these while, why i don't feel anything? is this suppose how one should feel when you finished your last sentence, and tearing off your exam dockets, throwing your books, and showing your hand to the invigilator while she hands you subjects available next semester; "keep the paper, i won't be coming back".

seriously, i don't feel anything. maybe a lil sense of relieved. but why. or does it have to be after i received my graduation scroll? hmm.. i'll leave it as it for now.

i certainly don't want to come back. *touch wood* i have my share downs and scares. hopefully is smooth sailing.

i enjoyed my time in HELP, great companions, travel mates, excellent motivators, and all these i've never experience before i came into HELP. at least, it's some thing different. though i long to stay.. but my time is up.

another chapter unfolds, and greater things awaits me. and i hope i could embrace it all.

to friends that are still there that reads my blog. i sincerely wish you all the best. do keep in touch. be it futsal, yum cha, travelling, or movie day....

cheers to greatness of our lives

got car, but don't know where to go

you long for a car, and you finally got it. keys were given to you. you pack your bags, stock up some food, and ready to hit the road. you plunged the car key into the ignition, shift the gear to [D], release the hand break. you look up with full of energy and enthusiasm, only to turn sour and hunch your back to next breath you take.

you don't know where you want to head to.

many of us... are just like that. given the tools, given the opportunity, we just don't know where to head to. a blank slate of mind as to where we should be heading. consciously we want to go somewhere, we just don't know if we should be going there. is it necessary to go there at the first place. and what would you do if you have reach the suppose destination.

'sometimes we should let go of what we have planned; for things to fill in as time unfold itself'

hope for the N time

i type in "hope" at the search bar of edit posts. and there were more than 50 posts that i used the word "hope"

i don't remember if i said this before, and i usually forget what i've written. even it's yesterday's post. @.@

anyway, hope... it's something that drive each and every one of us forward. hope is something we cling on to when despair is all we could feel. hope it's just a way of saying, i'll try... when sometimes trying is just not enough. 'hope' is a faint prayer that just dies of once we open our eyes and unclutched our hands. they say faith is all we need, but where is faith, and how do you define faith?

Lord Jesus?

Allah?

Buddha?

or Myself?

i'm not a strong believer in religion. neither do i reject any of them that could possibly shed light when i'm searching for answers. i've step into temples and churches. seek for answers in front of the 'cross' and 'statues'. and so far, none gave me the answers that i'm seeking. some say, you need to study it before you form your judgement. others just ask you to believe god is in everyone of us. funny, i tend to buy the latter's idea.

when we hope and pray for something, usually we hope that it will go well for us, and probably move on to others. wishing them well. it's nothing less noble that we pray and hope for the best of well-being of others. just that... we are selfish. and nothing wrong. we tend to protect our welfare first, and others second. even it's unconditional love. i might be just opening another can of worms. you see, by providing love and care towards the others, your heart tend to be at ease, align with your own belief. you are calming yourself by putting others in priority. you feel good after doing so. it's actually a double-edge sword.

coming back to the idea of hope, we tend to get disappointed every time when we put every ounce of energy hoping for the best. in the end, we rationalize things happened for a reason, and it could be the betterment for us. there are things we could learn from. trying all to act positive and being optimistic about the situation that smack right in front of your face; with 'you're in deep shit' sign looming.

all i'm saying... some times it's tiring to hope. things that don't go your way, it's frustrates you to the max. the irony part is we all hope for the better. question is, are we doing anything to improve the situation, and climb out the rabbit hole.

responsibility

when it comes to study, i think i put the least amount of effort into it. and i was told i should put more effort into it. maybe it's the continuous cycle back in high school. never really give a damn bout education.

the irony, i'm still in school, even when i should be working. thou it's another couple of weeks till i graduated. but it always gives me mixed feelings when i think bout it. in the end, i just put it aside. always.

ask my friends around me, they think that i'm never serious bout it. work, however is way more important.

now... i surprise myself that i'm actually a lil more concern bout studies as compare to work. maybe because i'm jobless, or it's a group project, and i don't want to be held responsible.

straight to the point. i was assigned to do the documentation of video for a paper, and i wasn't sure how to go about.

i emailed the group members, none reply. maybe they have blocked my email from entering their box once presentation it's over.

Or

maybe they just don't care bout the 5 marks.

anyway, problem arise, and i msg one of the most responsible member (my opinion), and he never reply.

i'm trying to run away from responsibility, but i'm facing a problem, and none give a damn. so... as part of the team, who is helplessly helpless. i should flight rite. i'll deal with it only i got caught la.

p/s: i don't usually act this way. don't assume/presume/judge that i'm always like this =p

ding dong ding dong ding dong

contemplating what to do next. sometimes decision is just not easy to make. don't know which one to take, and fear it will be a bad one. there is never wrong or right, every decision made, opens up another possibility for us to experience. having said that, rational is way easier than doing the actual thing.

lion city is not far off from 1-malaysia. don't even have to think of ozzie. though they are opportunities opening up. i'm not sure which path should i take.

i'm sorry if i said we need to make decisions there n then. even it is laid down for us. sometimes every factor needs to scrutinize to the dot before making one. and i'm no different than you.

coming back, i've tried knocking on a few doors down south, and people seems to be peeping from the window, which is a good sign, at least they don't shut you down first.

dad has been more than helpful and exceptionally encouraging. which... which....

sometimes i take for granted what i have, and i've been truly lucky to have them around me. i wouldn't say it's the best parenting style, at least they tried. i understand they have their own to live, and they try their best to provide what they could for us. if not for them, things would be very different.

i'm going all over the place, and it's a mess.

by the way, thesis defence wasn't good. i let myself down. but i'm glad that it's over. and hopefully it's not as bad as i think it will be.

finals it's in 2 weeks

after that.. work? or have some fun..?