gossip

things seems more funnier and interesting when the topic and subject ain't about you.

it's bad

BUT we still do it =)

quarter of century

in a few more moments, i'll be turning 25. quarter of a century gone. time really flies. literally.

and in a few more months, i'll be graduating. what would my feelings be? well, i don't know. is there a sense of achievement? probably? it is something i attempt to complete, not whole-heartedly, but at least i tried. things haven't been smooth sailing. hopefully things will get better soon. i still don't know why i insist of taking up this course. is it because of ego? or is it just to prove i could do something in a long run? is it not to left behind? or i just want to blend in with the norm? i don't know how to answer those questions, neither do i have the answers. nevertheless, i'm glad that i enrolled into this course. there are tremendous learning that have learnt and yet to be learn. there are companions that i would never trade for any other thing in the world. i don't know why is there tears scrolling down, but... i guess it's just emotional, to me at least. somehow, there is a sense of closeness that i have never felt before throughout my life. and i grateful to have crossed path with this kind and amazing souls. they may seems normal on the outside, but deep down, they just blow your mind. at least it did to mine. i'm leaving soon. i don't know how close we're gonna stay. hopefully close enough that we could still come out and have a drink once or twice a month. some say it's just a phase in our short life here on earth, i do agree with them. hopefully this phase could last a lil longer.

i realize i questioned myself a lot lately. raising doubts i could accomplish such and such tasks. you see, i'm not a confident person. my self-esteem is in an all time low. i don't know what would happen when i come out to the working world. hopefully i could survive and start picking my pieces of confidence quickly enough. i just admire those could walk gracefully and walk with full of confidence along the street. leading some group or just do task with such confidence. i don't know are they pretending, or they really have. both ways, i respect their ability. some friends say i have that in me. problem is, i just don't see it myself. even with mirrors around me. i just don't see it. believe me, it is very frustrating.

earlier on, i mentioned i question myself, i asked a lot of questions. and these questions just don't seems to have an answer to it. and i hate it. i think i'm a problem solver. i like to find a solution to it. i wouldn't lose sleep because of it. but i get angry at myself for not finding the answer. i didn't know i could be that harsh on myself. until few moments ago. that brings me to setting standards for myself. i set pretty high standards for myself. sometimes, it's just unbelievable. the downside is that i give up easily, way too easily. clearly that had lead to disappointments after disappointments. and ultimately = no confidence.

i think i've wrote about confident, self-esteem, self worthy, etc. many a times in this blog. and it is self -actualization. somehow, it doesn't seems to be heading anyway. sometimes i question God. 'is He testing me?' i accept. 'how long more should i go through this?' this is sometime i can barely give in. when there is glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel? i quickly and bravely walk towards there. what i found? it's just a bunch of fire-flies lingering around. i guess i could link fire-flies with HOPE. it s**k but to accept hope is all there is to keep us alive. how can we break this cycle? i'm still searching for the answer.

omg, i can't believe you're still reading.

i was suppose to talk bout... heck, i don't know what was i talking, not even after scrolling up and refer to the topic.

i guess for the first time, it met the title of this blog. endless words/scroll.

happy birthday to me

mould and shape, mould and shape, mould and shape....

just not good enough

a volte

sometimes...

just sometimes...

if only i could be that lil more...

bull

am i really that stubborn??

reality check

is time to stop thinking...

as if i was doing it at the very first place.

Kevin... look at the bright side, and everything is gonna be alright.

practise...

law of polarity

why can't a person deliver only happiness?

because by being sad you know what is happiness.

within sadness, we get to experience joy.

just like tall and short, we don't know how short person feels, unless we experience it.

we know how hot and cold feels, because we experience it.

we live in the world govern by the law of polarity. everything has a balance to it. and how we balance things up? well, that's an art that it will take a long time to master.

bertukar

things are forever changing at a lightning speed, that life. and truth is...

it's getting faster and faster

complains?

the eyes never lies. behind that big genuine smile, proximity that lure a person close to you, it could easily blind one what is right from wrong. and somehow, it's fascinating, the always ignorant one could see through it.

in the world full of lies... how long can one prolong to hold him or herself to be truthful to themselves. one should always long for that, but somehow it is not easy to materialize in this frenzy, manipulative world.

however holy, however pure, we ought to practice bias. and certain prejudice will always tend to float on the surface. it's a laughable stock, when one preach their principle, and not living the way they should be. basically it's just opposing to ones core belief. on the scale of 1-10 for oxymoron, it falls at 10.

wuu... again

ride on the waves,

never let go,

and it soon will be over...

faith is all i need,

companions is all i long,

courage is all i must have....

after this long and self-inflicting pain,

have i gone stronger,

or have i strung?

it seems i'm neither here nor there,

it's just awareness that keeps me intact

what i experience is nothing new,

it's just a lil early than the norm would knew.

alas, i praise universe once i've figure it out through.

it wasn't suppose to be a poetry,

as i'm struggling to string words even it's just words of three.

human chimney

went to my first visitation to a plantation/factory/field trip few days ago.

the smell of tobacco makes me wanting to stay even further away from it. but sometimes temptation do kicks in. anyhow, i'm proud that i did not light up a cigarette for 2 days in a room full with smokers. period.

things that goes around my head

there is a saying, 'if you dream long and hard enough, your dreams will come true'. same goes to, 'if you desire for something

i begin to doubt that part. things doesn't seem to work it's way to the designated point that i desire. they say, 'everything happens for a reason'. and there are obstacles that challenges us before we are strong enough to claim the ultimate prize. what if you are not up to task? means; no finish line? i don't know, it's hard to predict the future. even it is pre-planned, sometimes or rather most of the time... things just don't work out just like you wanted. it deviates to a path that could is totally a different experience. things could be better or worst than the original goal. why does this happen then? why do we need to plan ahead if things seems unclear and misty.

i see some humans, they just live one day at a time. and they seems so much happier. could this happen to me as well? things that i longed for, doesn't match the current state i am in. it's contradicting. when things contradict, it makes a person confuse. ultimately, depress.

what if things are just unachievable? the saying goes; 'everything that is imagine of, will be a reality'. some say that 'you always get the things that you wanted'. is that so? if i could get the things i desire, why am i not getting it? is the request too big for even god to handle? i don't think that's the problem. but what is? timing? effort? knowledge? skills? talent? wisdom? ignorance? stupidity?

i'm rationalizing my way out. and it doesn't seems to be working. the thoughts are... just like the title suggested.

futsie futsal

haven't been updating as frequent as i hope for. anyhow, let's start the ball rolling again.

if you think i was busy with my stuff, actually not so. i just don't know how to put in words what i'm thinking.

on the lighter note, i manage to organize a futsal competition. that's right. a badminton lover organizing a futsal competition, that doesn't make any sense. however, i do play quite regularly as compare to badminton. so i guess it makes a little sense.

back to the story. last weekend, a few of us from the company i'm interning decided to organize a competition for the youth as part of the activities for SWA. what is SWA? Success Warrior Ambassador, it's a youth club that strive for success not just academic to youth but more of a holistic approach. i'm not saying, once you join the club, you would be success. however, it is a platform for youth to polish up a set of valuable skill that is important when we face the harsh, cold reality of working force. and no doubt, i've learn stuff that uni or college never taught us.

enough of promoting, i'll talk bout it some other time.

back to the story again. =P it was way much tougher than i thought. and honestly, the preparation wasn't good. there were many things i didn't give consideration about. and many things that were totally unexpected. i didn't draw up the schedule earlier, was short of man-power, teams were in fight, and rm1500 is alot of money...to a team consist of 7 players.

why would i say so? if you divide the prize money, it's about 200 each. i'm not saying it's a small amount, it's still money. however, some fail to see the bigger picture of sportmanship, for the good of a game. and most importantly, to have fun. some teams were driven by the animal instinct inside them, barbarians that think they are strong enough they could bring down anyone, using their fist instead of feet.

yes, it's okay to be competitive. but some idiots got over-clouded by monetary and ego. and they think they are so damn good, in actual fact, they are not. when the chips are down, they only know how to blame. best of all, the organizer get a share of the blame as well. i do admit my short comings, and it was a lesson well learned.

it was supposed to be a picture fill post. and it got side-track. my apologies.

pictures will be up soon. =D