hapy 2008

sitting alone in the room, counting down the hours that's gonna lead to a new year. i just wanna spend the last few hours alone with myself. (although i'm gonna head out later tonite) =)

looking back throughout the year, many things have happened. good things, bad things, happy and sad events. although at times i wish i could change things, so i would have a better ending that i was hoping for. nonetheless, i accept the fact that things happened for a reason. and is beneficial for my own well being.

i wanna thank my parents, for i am grateful to them for bringing me into this world. esp my mom, for hearing me out, and always been so supportive in whateva i do. my bros, we have a pretty good year, our relationships seems a lil closer.

and to my friends, thanks for being there for me, when i needed you guys the most. special thanks to Joie, Jolene, Michael, Aili, Betsy, Wei Sim, Stephanie, Ivy and Aaron. without you guys, my life will be monotonous. (although it always have been, but you guys rock and spice up my live) not to miss out on Sharon, Mandy, Boon Woei, Derrick, Jennifer, Angelica, Ee Jack, Tina, and the list just goes on and on. i'm sorry if i didn't mentioned your names. (realise how lil guy names on the list? this is because, Bpysh and freelance have so lil guys available. and i aint complaining. haha) although we seldom see each other, but we sure have a good laugh and have heeps of fun when we get together. and i enjoy every moment of it. also thanks to Joanne, if is not for you, i wouldn't know that a person wants is so important. and things could change so drastically, nothing is certain in life, not even for a moment.

and by that, i appreciate life more and more, don't know whether is because of i'm ageing or what. but yea.. i'm enjoying every moment of it.

so what's my new year resolution?

hmm...

seriously?

i don't know man...

• just wanna enjoy my uni life as much as possible and finish it as soon as possible.
• be happy
• appreciate things that i have, and be grateful for the things i'm gonna get.
• take things as it goes, and see where it leads me.

actually that's more to write, but i forgotten most of it after i thought bout my resolutions. lolz..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! *open with wide arms* *hugz*

i love you all!!

99th post

can i walk out of this darkness? dunno...

do i want to walk out this darkness? certainly so...

but how to? i seriously got it figured all out. but dont know what is holding me back. fear of lost? fear of getting hurt? again... i don't know y... but sometimes i just can't let go. even i have said i wanted to. n i can't stop blaming myself. even i know is not my fault. (not totally, but paritally) but the things that you hide from me, it just reveal itself to me, even i did not want to find out. why did you lie and hide things from me, when i ask you. it makes matters worst. padahal, all along i've been truthful and honest with you. btw, you sucks at lying. i didn't want to hide things from you at the first place. cuz it probably jeapardize the whole thing.

guess it didn't work out.

time pass by, and things change. change rather drastically. i still can't accept the fact that you could change so rather quickly. but what can i do?? NOTHING!! you give me no chance of redeeming myself. no room for making errors. this isn't how a relationship works. you said it yourself, 'we will work things out' - bullshit.

is this karma? is this the cycle i need to go thru? all these, just bcuz i made ppl suffered b4. i've regret it then, i've regret that i've made bad decisions that probably put them in misery rather than giving happiness. if so, i really thank you. not you. but You.

i've always wonder to myself, why am i so attach to you. but i think i've found my answer. i'm grateful that we crossed path, if not, i wouldn't have experience such wonderful experiences.

last time i don't know how to love and care for a person. seriously. (probably a slow learner) i take, i'm sorry... i took u, and i've tried a whole new approached. but guess that wasn't never enough. and now, i don't know how to treat people with care, i don't know how to love a person anymore. best of all, i've lost trust in loving a person. for now.

there's so much to write, talk, blame, analyse.... and yet, i've don't have the strength to dwell on the 'drama' again. at least, i don't want to. is just tiring.

2008 is in 2 days time. guess is a perfect time to write my new year resolution.

walk out of the cage, the whole sky will be yours. (joie,2007)

tat's not my resolution. well, part of it. i'm saving it for my 100th post. =)

slept at 6, woke up at 2.30pm

moody

sienzz

TMD!!

aahhh!!!!

i'm goin out...

signing off

cursing my way thru part 1

i had fun this couple of days...



outings with friends, meeting friends whom i have not met for ages, seeing frenz that i see almost every other day. nice nice nice... this is the first time i received so many gifts during christmas, d gifts i receive this yr probably beats d 20 yrs of christmas i've gone thru..



thx to all my frenz who ask me out, n also muka tebal gate crash ur gatherings... i had fun. loads of it.



but something back of my mind, and heart still pounder on something, and wishing for something that there's nothing to wish for. impossible.


ropes have been laid, hands have been stretched out, roads have been shown.


n i guess... i still have not the guts to take the first bold step. i still have not the heart to move on. everytime i reach out my hand to grab the rope, the hand, anything. i just tend to be suck back into the deep hole. i hate it.

everytime i try to take the first step, you just had to refrain me from doing so. distract me from doing so. so i could slip and fall. why do u have to tempt me, saying that i could be there celebrating. n the nice feeling of the environment. why do you have to prompt the question of do i wanna go back. why do u have to pretend that u care, padahal, u don't give a damn. Damn it!!


you dont' know how much pain you have cost me. you don't know how many miserable nights i've gone thru. you don't know how hard it is to try to get out of that hole. you don't know how much tears have flown out.


i blame myself for not being strong enough to handle this. sometimes i blame you for giving this kinda shit. but most of the time, i'm just too weak to handle my own fucking problems. i need to pull everyone around me, to listen to my sorrows, listen to my whinnings, and see me cry.


now i understand how u feel, my friend. the feeling... is just unbearable. as much as i try to control it. the feeling is overwhelming. the attachment is still there. how can i let someone in, when there are still so many attachment of thoughts, memories, and pain sticking like a leech. when can these 'leeches' be fed till they drop off themselves. how much u blood suckers wanna take the bejesus out of me before u fall. damn it!


i hate it when i'm vulnerable.

merry xmas

just a quick one...

MerrY ChrisTmaS

EverYonE!!!

SantA Loves U!!

So Do I!!

see... told ya it was quick... hehe

i know what i did for the last few days

WARNING... A very random entry...

finally, something to do... at least... n i think.

holidays have just gone by for a week now. whoossh!! tat's it. still left... (lazy to count how many days left)
anyways, i went to genting 2 days ago. yea... AGAIN. with couple of frenz. didn't know what to do then, n when the call arrive, is inevittable tat i would go. lolz...


to cut the story short...

i reach there at 1 am. n came back down at 6.30am. yea.. A.M. n with 300 bucks as well. guess my mp3 is free. thx brada Lim. i'l be seeing u soon... real soon. lolz...


upon reachin home, (bout 8) straight dose off at my bed, but woke up a couple of hours later. wash up, and head out to Petaling Street with a fren. went to shop for christmas gift. yea.. how can u find any Christmas gifts in Petaling Street rite... u tell me, n u shud ask my fren. =.=


in d end, i got a torch light. and a watch. wat i need a torch light for?? hmm... go figure it out urself. try to think straight k guys...






'mali mali, watches for 10 bucks... torch light also for 10 bucks... mali mali... dun buy nvm, dun touch nvm, but dun see, really mind mind mind..'


my fren? she got 10 watches for her sis, bros, niece n nephew. (btw, buy 10 free 1, tat's where i got my watch... lolz!!)

after that, v head to MV, tot of having lunch there, but d jam was massive, so v detour to Bangsar Village for makan. but still end up searchin for a parking lot for 20 mins, n d rain didn't help at all. =.=''




i got 2 boxes of these, 1 for the christmas exchange gifts n 1 for ME!! it tatse good! can get it in Bangsar Village. (concourse area)

after makan, n sending my fren home, i went back home bout 5. took d opportunity to catch some sleep. half way thru, Betz called... can't rmb wat she said. n then Aili called. also can't rmb wat she said... lolz... (so guys next time dun call to ask me anything, or make an agreement, while i'm sleepin)


bout 7pm, i went to Sue Jern's hse (Betz's fren's hse) for.... i dunno what u really call tat, but basically, we eat, we sing, we talked, we played games, we exchange gifts(more like snatching), we talked somemore, n we laugh... i had fun thou, tis is d 1st time i attend tis kinda party. thx for inviting me Betz.



backtrack a lil, (i malas wanna edit the top part) @.@


d day b4 i went up to genting, i went to low yatt, to got an mp3 player and speakers for my lappie.
Sonic Gear speakers (20 bucks)


Creative Zen Stone MP3 player.

tat's bout it. will update u more, if i could think of other things.


wanna go emo now...


nah, just joking.


btw, i was suppose to be in another country NOW, Auckland, NZ. while i'm writing this entry. but... things happened. well, life goes on. probably i'll go to another country (singapore? thailand? visit Garcia's country? or go visit Rangga?, any suggestions??)

oh ya, i left out somethin... present i got from the 'snatching christmas gifts thingy'

thx sue jern for the lovely mug.

tired

gosh... can't believe i'm tired b4 d clock hits 12. is this d sign of tua.ness in me? hope not... better not!! (RED ALERT!! )

anyway, i'm off to bed...

gud nitez peeps!!

sweet dreams!!

yay!! holidays!! or no yay!! holidays...

i think i'l go for the latter 1...

i mean is nice to have a break. but nth to do... really sux wei.. i slept the whole day today... at least 10 hours.

anyone wanna lepak or movies or yum cha or lunch or dinner or supper.. ANYthing!! i'l be goin MV tmr, (probably).. so anyone wanna hang out with me, giv me a cal, or sms la..

i just came back from yum cha session with my fellow frenz. haven seem them for ages. angelica, derrick, and alicia. u guys still look d same. lolz.. but the comment they have on me? 'eh.. u tryin to become F4 r?' swt, double swt... =.='''' of cuz no la... just.. just... gah.. malas mau explain.

as expected, i've been put on a hot seat. all i can say is news really can fly. if u don't get what i'm tryin to say.. so be it.. malas wanna explain again. (just read my previous post: 24/4-13/11) tat's not d hightlight of d yum cha session, as usual, GOSSIP!! lolz.. so many interesting stories have been shared. hehe

b4 this, i went to MV today to take my paycheck, (yea, drive all the way there, just to get paycheck) waited so long, cuz tina (my agent) haven prepaid the cheques, sampai baru mau tulis. so many promoters were there at Starbucks, many patrons stop and peep at wat's happening among d crowd. (crowd=us, promoters) lolz.. after went to watch 'i am lengcai' aiks!... i keep sayin that, i mean 'i am legend' the show was so so only. tat's not wat i expected from Will Smith. the movie kinda draggy lor... btw, this is my 1st show, since i watched 'chuck & larry' imagine how long was it.. is quite long, to me la...

b4 this, i went for futsal in the morning in PJ. i sucked in todays game la. especially when i became goal keeper. don't know let d opponent score how many gazillion goals. paiseh... probably they're good, or i probably i sucked in this game. kaki bangku... *sob sob*

yester i went to 'look out point'. this is a place located some bukit some where in KL (near to cheras) the directions michael got from some stupid blogger was all WRONG!! totally out! TMD, i tell you, i think he/she probably will have a hard time finding his/her own home, if he/she draw a map for him/herself. =.=''' v took 1 1/2 hours to 'tracked' down that blardy place.
but the environment not bad, can chill and makan. and listen to emo songs. (v shall not go to that) overall is quite a nice place. but sad thing, v missed the sun set that michael say v can enjoy.

i just finished my last paper on that day itself. 100 MCQ questions. is not as easy as is seems k... d time and effort of shading 100 spots, is a blardy hassle thing to do. b4 for that rite, v got Pl for our 106 grp report. meaning?? plagiarism. TMD!! how can plagiarise wor... i paraphrase everything we got from the source k... takkan, paraphrase in a more PRO manner also cannot? also GUILTY?!? zzzz... hopefully d marker let us off with it, otherwise need to see the dean, and i don't really fancy seeing him la, he'll put it in a very good way, all sound so nice, but in d end do nothin much bout it. psychologist ma... so don't trust everything a psychologist k... ( i'm not a certify psychologist YEt, so do trust what i said. even i am a psychologist, u also must trust me) lolz... cuz i'll be nice.. hehe

realise i'm backtracking d events that happened? hehe... k la, don't wanna backtrack so much.. later u guys dizzy n blurr...

HOORAY!! holidaYssS!! but no plans la, anyone wanna ajak me, pls do so ya... i'm very free. hehe...

i went to bed at 2am just now...

now is 4.40am....

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go back to sleep!!

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TMD!!

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bearing in mind, i still have a paper later at 2 =.=''

continued post...

it's 6am...

after goin thru litterally everyone's blog, sports news available

n....

i'm still not SLEEPY @-@

i don't know wat title to put

staring at the ceiling, while lying on the bed, lights off, while listening to the rain drops hitting the roof and tar road. heart rate beating eva so slowly. the room is just pitch black except for the lights omitted from my lappie. i think it'l be a very random post...

i like rain... it's just so serene. it's just so... i can't find the right words to describe it. nevertheless, it calms me. ever try walking under the rain. nice feeling. you should try tat someday... ever experience that your day was so dreadful, you wish to just burried your head, and suddenly the rain just hits you, the strength just enough to make you come to your senses, and wash all your sorrows away. 1 word to describe it; shiok!

well, today i didn't went under the rain to let it hit me today, neither did i let it wash my sorrows. but i hid in my room, poundering what has happened to me for the past few months. 2 words to describe; roller coaster.

so many things happened, yet so many things did not materialise. i'm glad that both things happened and didn't materialise. i used to tell myself, everything happened for a reason, and the reason for it to happen is for the best outcome for the people, environment or things that involved. i finally found the REAL reason for the things that is happening around me, and the outcome has never been better. i was so foolish to perceive otherwise. the all mighty never lies. and i apologies for doubting.

at times, i just don't want to accept the fact, i just don't want to move. and is so easy to linger around our comfort zone. and keep on dwelling on the 'drama' that had happened, although it constantly feed me with tears and heart breaks. honestly, it is so much easier to do so, compare to taking another step forward. everytime i try my hardest to climb out from the hole, just one more step, or pull, or wateva it should be call. i get pulled down again, the strength is just so strong that i have to succumb to it, totally surrender. white flag. but while i manage to come back to my senses, it was too late, i'm right where i have started b4. point zero.

a fren once told me that i'm much more mature than i look and the way i act. (mentally la, dun always think of my appearance k, i still look young compare to my age) it kept me wondering. to come to think of it, not really lo. if i'm mature enough, i will be able to handle the situation well. if i'm mature enough, i won't react to the way i shouldn't have. although i'm 23, i sometimes still feel like a young kid, still trying to search for his identity.

letting go of something is hard. is just like giving your last piece of salmon sushi to someone, and tat bugger dont know how to appreciate it, just chew twice, and spit back out because stupid bugger can't withstand the raw.ness and wasabi he just dipped in. wat to do, us humans sometimes are dumb asses too. knowing the fact that, that bugger will spit it out, we still give in. y?? cuz we are too blardy nice. good, warm n nice ppl, walkin on this surface of earth, waiting for ppl to take advantage of us.

nah.. i'm just kidding.. there are still kind souls out there that appreciate us rite? rite?? (i hope)

my melatonin level is increasing, n circardian system is kicking in.

meaning???

i'm goin to bed... zzzzz

sweet dreams peeps to be continue...

complains

i'm suppose to be studyin for my finals.. SUPPOSE la... end up here pulak. having headache now.. so much info to cramp in... my 'hard drive' overflowing ledi.. 2 core papers on monday. n 1 more on wednesday. 2 papers on monday is sufficient for me to hang myself, if not jump down from 18 floors.

y need to have exams wor. secara practical, sudah la. haihz... i know i know.. not d first time complainin also. have been complaining since N years ago. n still complainin, guess i'l be complainin during every finals, until i grad. lets see, i still got 5-6 semesters to go, so there will be another 5-6 posts of complains. whahahaha...

i'm goin nuts.

n yet i'm hungry.. mind u, i just ate 3 hours ago. =.=''

i feel like eating cake. addicted to secret recipe cakes ledi. =.=''' i just realise i got 12 vouchers. woo hoo.. can get one whole cake ledi. i don't know how i got it... but i got it. gagaga... shud i get 12 different types of cakes, or just 1 whole cake leh? hmm.. dilemma ni. can anyone decide for me...? tiramisu, double choc, banana choc, cheese cake, watnot cheese cake, watnot choc cake. *slurps* *drool*

cannot cannot... must stop thinking bout it. not till i finish my 2 papers on monday, probably will get a slice or 2. ehehehe...

ish... no mood to study ledi... tat's all folks. wanna go watch ManU play against Derby C.

lights off *poof*

plead tak jadi

what has this world come to be... when u try to get some decent help. yet no one response to ur plead where it has fallen on deaf ears. tragic rite..

when finally u see light at the end of the tunnel, ur hope raised, ur senses heighten, adreneline running thru ur body... yes! there's help, u thought to urself.

manatau, when u reach d tunnel, there's a person there waiting n stop u from exiting. 'sila bayar dulu, sebelum keluar' muttered the fella. wtf?!?!?

is like.. u fell into a deep hole, n ur friends saw u.. 'u wanna come out r.. buy me murni or williams 1st when we get out of here, then i'l save u...' this is call frens r?!?!? deenngg!!!

sad rite..

how can this society move forward? how can this country progress? how can this world sustain the negativity that societies and countries potrait such ingenious acts.

by saying those shameful act, i mean BRIBE..!!

u know who u are la... u ppl should be shame of urself!!!

d previous two post??? i admit, its' really crap.. i also dont know what i'm talkin bout.

today post will not be emo stuff (nth to emo)
happy stuff (nth funny happened)
not gonna talk bout my work either (cuz nth to talk bout)

my main point is...

i still very lost for my psy 106!!! n 103 as well.. but not as bad as 106. can anyone of u kind soul out there help me.. ahem.. *cough* mandy.. ahem.. *cough* michael.. *cough* aili.. *cough* betz..
geez.. wat's wrong with my throat huh.. as i was saying i need help!! ahem *cough* ivy, *cough* boon woei *cough* sharon

i'm free this weekend.. group study!!! tutoring!! anyone?!?!

today... i would like to commomerate.. er.. sorry.. i mean pay tribute to, pay tribute to a fren. a fren whom i known not tat long ago,(couple of years consider long r) anyway, a fren whom i think i know well ENOUGH

TQ...

d air is fill wit smoke n dust.. Can die b4 u reach 30 if u inhale more than 1 large tank a day. Sun is scorching hot.. Can fry an egg on d car hood, probably chicken chop, is possible. pork chop to those PORK chop lovers.. Lookin out d window, yea.. definately can cook pork chop.. Well done mind u, not half done, so no worries u wil end up in d clinic.

I'm sittin outside of secret recipe opposite pj hilton, workin... Yea, workin when finals is looming ard d corner. N Yea d same job i post bout a few weeks ago. But...but... I dun tink i'm workin, cuz accordin to webster dictionary, work means exert oneself by doin menu or physical work for a purpose or out of necessity. N wat i'm doin is nothin or somehow relate to d definition above. I've tot bout it d whole mornin, stil can find a connection or watsoeva.. Unless u consider sitting is part of workin..

Oh.. Oh.. I've jus discovered somethin. I'm actually workin.. Let me see i can back up my reasons n relate it wit d definition above.

It mention by exerting oneself mentally n physically. Mentally is torturing, try imaginin sittin down from day til nite doin NOTHIN. I mean reli nothin except to wait for ppl to approach us. N also it is physically drainin, cuz i'm sittin outside of d restaurant, smoking area. D heat literally suck d energy out of u.. For now, i've fulfill d 1st part of d definition. A purpose or out of necessity. D purpose is to sit n wait for ppl to approach us, n to educate d customer if she/he doesnt know how to use d application of d phone. N lastly, out of necessity, is not necessary for me to work, cuz i'm havin finals, suppose to be studyin at home. But i get to study while workin, in theory la. On top of tat, i'm paid!
So, i'm actually workin rite? Rite?!?
phew.. Feel much better. I felt bad at 1st, was told to work, but not doin anythin, n double bad cuz get paid for doin nth..

Disclaimer: i'm not 'chuin.ing' anyone,(show off) for gettin paid for doin nothin, i seriously didn't want to work, exam la.. jus helpin out my fren.. N i'm BORED!

By d way, i'm using n95 to blog bout tis.. Is like typing hundreds of sms at 1 go.. San fu.nya.. But for u guys, is ok la.. Yay! For another purpose to be here.

P/s: if anyone drop by to visit me, i'l buy them cakes, while stock last! Hurry hurry! Lolz

phew... finally finish lab report, n anthropology paper. still got 3 more papers to go.

i'm tired... slept 3 hours only, damn report... it really has taken d toll out of me. i think my sleep debt is about one thousand two hundred sixty three point nine eight five hours... =.=

today after anthro paper, went Williams for dinner with betsy, boon woei, ai li n min huei. long time haven't been there. d last time i went there was... hmm.. can't rmb.
anyway, due to betsy's network with williams, d portion was larger than usual customers ate there. good huh... hehe... i'm was stuff. meat balls!! pasta!! mash potato!! *slurp*
we had a good laugh before, during, and after dinner. everyone was laughin at boon woei lame jokes. can't stop laughing. even i got into the car... lolz... see i'm still laughing. HAHAHA!!

laugh is good... laugh is healthy... laugh is great...

so start laughing people!!

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as for now.. gua mau tidur...